I happen to feel that the degree of a person's intelligence is directly reflected by the number of conflicting attitudes she can bring to bear on the same topic. - Lisa Althe, Kinflicks, 1975

I think i have to stop complaining about the state i am in (fading into nothingness as usual) and concentrate on talking about others (ok, now i sound like a gossip queen). As expected, due to my lazy couch-potato syndrome, i haven't gotten myself prepared to go look for a job. So i had been going out almost everyday, and when i am back at home, i will head straight to my computer & watch the japanese anime series that Bird had lent me (it's Bird's fault that i got so bloody hooked on the "Bleach" anime series but its so damn bloody good its hard to quit). In fact, after my final year poly exams, i thought i was going to snoop around & slack at home almost everyday. However, it seems like the opposite is true. I seem to be going out so much so that it seems my life depended on it. HaHa!!! Must be due to all the times i was depriving myself during my Poly days!

Anyway, i am slowly drifting out of point. Just now i was just saying that i want to talk about others right? So i shall embark on "talking-about-others" now. Today, i saw a super bo liao (lame) guy & his girlfriend on the mrt. I was with my sis, coming home from general hospital after visiting my dad. I don't know what is his problem with me that he had to super stare. Maybe it is because of my odd hairstyle (i just cut my fringe into a different style from usual & instantly regretted it. Now i resemble a faux "Emily the strange"). Or maybe he's just an idiot who likes to stare. Anyway, his girlfriend who looks quite pretty, and him, were dressed in an "attention-LOOK AT ME" mode. In better terms, i would describe their style was punkish, like the boys from Greenday, complete with eyeliner, and they certainly looked younger than me. I was dressed so plain & simple compared to the duo, but i don't know why he finds a need to prove something. I was wearing my horrid 3/4 pants, without even an inch of make up. I don't know what he was trying to prove, cos the next thing i knew, he reached up to kiss his girlfriend and then pulled her shirt up to reveal a huge looking tattoo on her tummy. So he was trying to show me his girlfriend had a tattoo. So? I know people with tons of them but still act normally in public....crazy guy. Anyway, I wasn't sure what is the design, because i am not a starer and i merely took a glance because of their sudden abrupt PDA (public display of affections) that had diverted my attention from my sis. Its hard not to notice them because they were seated near the MRT doors albeit the crowded environment in the train. I despise inconsiderate people on the train and damn! I have to meet a couple of them every now and then. After he lifted his girlfriend's shirt, i immediately know what he is playing at. I was rather appalled at his action...i thought it was rather embarassing to just suddenly lift your gf's shirt in full view of the mrt crowd & worse still, sitting on the floor in front of the mrt doors and obstructing everyone's way. Hmm...people are funny eh?

Hohos...so much for gossiping about people. I think i have to stop talking bad about people soon. Cos being a paranoid person i am, i believe that if i gossip too much, God will punish me in many ways. Geraldine had told me her application to NUS was successful...so i checked out mine...and..it's still processing! So i think i better don't gossip or have any more bad thoughts about people and things until the results of my application comes out. In case God decides to punish me for being such a gossipy person!

And dear all, i strongly encourage you to watch this superb japanese anime "Bleach". It is the best anime ever!!!



Its currently running red hot in Japan...a total of 74 episodes had been aired (epi 73-74 was just aired in Japan on the 28th of this month). So be sure to check out about this fantastic anime. You won't regret!!!

C'est la Vie!

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd,Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd. - William Congreve, The Mourning Bride, III:2

I'm seriously losing it. Nowadays i'm just getting easily irritated, quarrelsome and plain irrational. Since when did i suddenly transform into a sulking bitch? Was it because of those crazy hormones at play or am i just trying to act like a tyrant? Why do i keep making myself mad over almost everything?

Over the span of one week, i had effectively quarrelled with 3 people - My mum and 2 of my friends. My mum especially, was at the most disadvantageous position as she had to face me all the time under the same roof and thus, i had the chance to pick quarrels with her. To date, if i had counted correctly, i had quarrelled with her 5 times this past week. Ever since we jetted off to Bangkok for holiday last saturday until today, i have just been that crazy, unreasonable daughter who just can't stop shooting my mouth off when she does the slightest stuff that usually doesn't irritate me much. Take for example, today. I picked a quarrel with my mum over, of all things, bedroom slippers. I myself am not sure why suddenly a pair of innocent bedroom slippers would just get me shouting at my mum. It all started because i wanted that particular pair of bedroom slippers and she had given it to my sis's boyfriend to wear. She offered to give me another white pair but i simply refused and i insisted that i wanted the blue pair which i initially claimed ownership to...but she had forgotten that i said i wanted that pair of slippers. To sort of justify my anger towards this matter, i must add that my mum kinda made me even madder by insisting that i said i didn't want that pair of slippers!! I was like...hello, i said i wanted it, since when did you hear from "i want it" to "i don't want it"??!! So, for that, i raised my voice at her in front of my aunties and uncles (we were at my granny's place). Of cause, not being one who would take too much nonsense from her daughter, my mum argued back against me in an equally unruly fashion. When everything died down, I, for some reason, purposely just could not stop my mouth from opening and spewing more words of discontent. This sparked off a new series of arguements which i swore, if i didn't stop in time, i would feel a tight slap on my face.

Also, prior to that, we also quarrelled about the shopping stuffs which i bought in Thailand. Somehow, although i knew the quarrel had ended, i purposely added a few words after everything died down and as expected...voices were raised again... I just don't get myself. I know it isn't right to keep getting angry and not being able to just shut up and relax. I know that this would render more rage to both parties, worse of all, i knew i was seriously pissing my mum off and hurting her with my rebellious attitude...but i just can't seem to stop myself.

Perhaps the whole episode of my PMSiness (if there's such a word) really started when i came back from thailand on wednesday. I was supposed to meet a few of my friends to pass them the gifts i bought in Thailand. K was in charge of planning that outing so naturally when i got back, i contacted him. Instead of a normal reply (and i didn't even expect a polite one), i was greeted with an sms which had "attitude problem" written all over it. Apparently K was pissed at 2 of the gals which promised to go but failed to reply his sms. Then he said the outing was cancelled cos "some people simply do not show interest". So i told him, fine, i could get others...and he repiled "never mind...I no mood liao...you guys go ahead"...and i was like, hello, i bought something from thailand for you and you are here being a petty cow and telling me you have no mood??!! It's not even my fault that they do not reply ya sms! So, being patient, i offered an alternative of having dinner instead... and he claimed he's "tulan" and busy. Then, i surprised myself (because as you would have realised by now, i am not exactly a sweet-tempered person) by replying politely and asking him if he's going for the class BBQ (so i could pass the stuffs to him), and you know what? He just repiled with 3 words "nope, gotta work"..just that, that's it! I swore, my blood by that time, was at it's boiling best. To top it off, he keeps insisting he did not show an attitude problem. To illustrate what i mean by why he is in self-denial that he is indeed not having an attitude problem, let me type out the exact sms here. It said "If you think i give you attitude on that day, SO BE IT...i'm only tellin my displeasure at mf and sy...blah blah blah..." & he claims he does not have an attitude problem...How ironic. From this sms, i could see why he does have an attitude problem. Cause 1) the "so be it" had attitude spelled all over it. 2) a guy sweating over small stuffs like how 2 girls made you "tulan" by not replying your sms??? where had all the attributes a real man should have, such as being gentlemanly and chivalrous gone to??? and 3) using words like "tulan" and "no mood liao" hardly makes me think that you are not directing your frustrations on the wrong person. So isn't that called an attitude problem? 4) Insisting and not admitting that you did express an attitude problem is an attitude problem by itself.

Then, as i thought that nothing could get worse than this, i was cancelled at the last minute by my friend, D. We were supposed to meet up so i could pass him the dvds and some other stuffs. I also happened to want to watch a movie badly, so we agreed to watch it and also have lunch. After making arrangements (& i was so looking forward to the movie, which was my primary concern), i was cancelled at the last minute... At 1 a.m in the morning. Because his gf had decided to meet him earlier. About the gf part, i understand. But i was mad about getting cancelled at the last minute when i was looking forward to the movie!! My point is that if you had arranged before hand to meet someone, cancelling at 1a.m isn't going to make things pretty. Clearly, Mr D had lacked the responsibility. It is not the point as to whether it's meeting me because i am not a VIP, but it could be meeting anyone else...and that you had already planned. Don't tell me or anyone else for that matter that if you had already arranged and planned, you are going to cancel last minute cos "opps sorry my gal had suddenly wanted to meet me"...cos i would be like "hello, this sort of situation would usually happen a second, third or fourth time...don't tell me you are going to treat every friend you already planned to meet, like that if something along the same line happens?" *rolls eyes big time*. The point is being responsible. However, when i was pissed and scolding Mr D, he initially didn't seem to get my point at all...or maybe until now, he still did not get the point, but i have decided to rest my case anyways cos it's such a waste of saliva... Pardon me for making comparisons but i never had the same problem with Bird, my best guy pal, cos he will never, and i repeat, never cancel me at the last minute for just any reason, unless it is a valid one. So you see the difference there.

Thus, one can see why i am indeed in a grumpy mood nowadays. Nothing seems to be able to calm this period of frenzied mood i am experiencing. God must be thinking that i am such a horrible person cause i am purposely being defiant to my mum even when i know deep down that i shouldn't , and being crazy and unapologetic (this applies in my mum's case because I think my unhappiness regarding K and D was justifiable). So could anyone offer a remedy to cure the unaccpetable behavior of mine? It is just so unhealthy for me to continue being so easily aggitated.

Tsk tsk, I long for the day that the only emotion i could ever feel is happiness.

The hair is the richest ornament of women. ~Martin Luther

The more things change, the more they remain......insane. - Michael Fry and T. Lewis, Over the Hedge, 05-09-04

As quoted from Dictionary.com

Change:
a. To cause to be different
b. To give a completely different form or appearance to; transform
c. To lay aside, abandon, or leave for another; switch: change methods; change sides.

There always comes a point in someone's life that he or she needs to change. Be it a major change or a minor change, changes are an inevitable part of one's life. Some changes are for the better, some are for the worse, some changes shape us to what we are today, some others break us. So, just as you would have guessed, I indeed am undergoing a change right now. After spending 3 frenzied years in Singapore Poly, I finally am graduating. I can hardly believe that it was 3 years ago that I entered the gates of SP unwillingly after I did badly for my A's. That time for me, was also a change...I thought it was for the worse since I was supposed to score well enough to get a place in uni. However, I find myself spending one of the best periods of my life in SP. Although I was kept busy studying in SP, my efforts were somehow paid off, and I actually did enjoy myself a fair bit. It was also the 3 years where I did the most growing up and start to really aim for something in life. Now that I have to move on to the next phrase of my life, I start to feel a wee bit uncertain again. Perhaps I'm simply just too stuck-in-the-rut, hoping that things will never change, people would always remain the same and that life would always be fuss-free and simple. So, up till now, I'm still keeping myself lazy and refusing to look for a job...praying and wishing that I will get a place in local uni and just wasting time till I get a place. So what if I can't get a place? I really don't want to think about it because I just don't want to change the style of life I had been leading these 3 years, just studying and receiving pocket money, going to school and talking to friends...and being only answerable to myself. Why am I so adamant to changes? What's keeping me from wanting to change and trying to face the possibility of having to work? I find myself starting to blame my parents from not being rich enough to send me somewhere else to study. I start blaming myself for wasting away my youth and not taking stuffs a tad more seriously when I was younger. Then I would realize that I should stop blaming and start being more positive.

There were times I often boasted that I am an independent soul, a person who is flexible and adaptable to changes... so I actually told my mum that one day, I would eventually leave Singapore and seek a life somewhere else. I told her that place was Thailand...the place that I had wonderful memories during my 1 month attachment. I had hoped to work there and stay there for good... I even made some plans. So after my exams, I decided to go for a short holiday there and meanwhile, consult some friends about this possibility. I talked to Anne, my good friend about it...and after I confronted my inner self about whether or not I was serious about wanting to stay in Thailand for good, I realised that I was afraid once again... I was being the same old uncertain self... the unadaptable old me that I am...afraid to take risks, step out of my confort zone and take a plunge...with my kinda attitude, how can I ever hope to crave a niche for myself somewhere else or even in Singapore? I am just playing the part of a stubborn old cow. And i start to hate myself for being this way.

So i guess, for me now, the only challenge I have is to start changing myself. Break out of the inhibitions I have about my life. Start to dream big and make my dreams become reality. First of all, if I manage to get a place in ntu, I would have to overcome my first inhibition of being afraid of studying something else other than science, so I would need to appeal for sociology [which was what I wanted to try studying instead] as I had already applied for biological sciences [which again I applied for because I was afraid to step out of that familiar territory].

Next, I would have to prepare myself for the possibility that I may not get the place in uni, and start making plans to work [although I am really reluctant and think I am not matured enough to face the harsh working world]. Then I would have to make plans to set up the business that I had always dreamt of owning... and eventually build baby steps towards my goal, which was to be a rich person...Tsk tsk...that might sound real silly, considering I had already badmouthed myself about being so stuck-in-the-rut and unconforming, but I am determined to be rich some way or the other...even it means breaking some bones and having 180 degree transitions.

Then again, I guess before I can fulfill all these, the current attitude of mine needs some ...... changing.

Education...has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading. - G. M. Trevelyan (1876-1962)

Pardon me if i can't write as coherently today. I'm just too pissed off. Is my 3 years of education going to just end in such a way? In the hands of a single exam paper? Is all this education i receieved worth it anymore? So yeah, i finished the last exam of my poly life, i should be relieved. Happy even. But guess what? i am not. I am pissed as hell and i indeed am an woman scorned. I feel like cursing that bloody teacher for all she had done, the "lies" that she told to mislead us. Her horrible sacarstic attitude and her pretentious nature. She is out to screw us up. Yes, i know she loves those smarties, those who churn out good grades like nobody's business. But hey, what about the majority of us? Those that are capable of studying just as well but were mislead by all her so called "hints"? We are not stupid, we studied as hard as anyone else. Why must she lie????!!!! My rationale is that, if you are genuinely going to help the students, then do it right. Don't try to be cunning and then pretend that certain stuffs are going to come out and this i mean, by hinting very strongly and saying stuffs like "this one super important, must star star star it.. and this one only for graded tutorial.", and then, horrors of horrors, the so called 'star star star' question only 2 marks worth in exams. Want to hint, hint. Don't want, don't hint. Worst still is that you can surely anticipate her reaction and expression as she mark that particular question. The look of mockery and sarcasm, thinking of "how stupid can these students be, being tricked by me". I know i am being small by saying stuffs like that. I am being crazy, silly and i deserved to be tricked as i am just not elite or smart enough for her. I concede defeat. Thus, therefore since i admitted this, i shall be small and continue to get angry and complain. With this, I hope she sleeps really soundly man (and i mean this in a sarcastic tone)