The more things change, the more they remain......insane. - Michael Fry and T. Lewis, Over the Hedge, 05-09-04

As quoted from Dictionary.com

Change:
a. To cause to be different
b. To give a completely different form or appearance to; transform
c. To lay aside, abandon, or leave for another; switch: change methods; change sides.

There always comes a point in someone's life that he or she needs to change. Be it a major change or a minor change, changes are an inevitable part of one's life. Some changes are for the better, some are for the worse, some changes shape us to what we are today, some others break us. So, just as you would have guessed, I indeed am undergoing a change right now. After spending 3 frenzied years in Singapore Poly, I finally am graduating. I can hardly believe that it was 3 years ago that I entered the gates of SP unwillingly after I did badly for my A's. That time for me, was also a change...I thought it was for the worse since I was supposed to score well enough to get a place in uni. However, I find myself spending one of the best periods of my life in SP. Although I was kept busy studying in SP, my efforts were somehow paid off, and I actually did enjoy myself a fair bit. It was also the 3 years where I did the most growing up and start to really aim for something in life. Now that I have to move on to the next phrase of my life, I start to feel a wee bit uncertain again. Perhaps I'm simply just too stuck-in-the-rut, hoping that things will never change, people would always remain the same and that life would always be fuss-free and simple. So, up till now, I'm still keeping myself lazy and refusing to look for a job...praying and wishing that I will get a place in local uni and just wasting time till I get a place. So what if I can't get a place? I really don't want to think about it because I just don't want to change the style of life I had been leading these 3 years, just studying and receiving pocket money, going to school and talking to friends...and being only answerable to myself. Why am I so adamant to changes? What's keeping me from wanting to change and trying to face the possibility of having to work? I find myself starting to blame my parents from not being rich enough to send me somewhere else to study. I start blaming myself for wasting away my youth and not taking stuffs a tad more seriously when I was younger. Then I would realize that I should stop blaming and start being more positive.

There were times I often boasted that I am an independent soul, a person who is flexible and adaptable to changes... so I actually told my mum that one day, I would eventually leave Singapore and seek a life somewhere else. I told her that place was Thailand...the place that I had wonderful memories during my 1 month attachment. I had hoped to work there and stay there for good... I even made some plans. So after my exams, I decided to go for a short holiday there and meanwhile, consult some friends about this possibility. I talked to Anne, my good friend about it...and after I confronted my inner self about whether or not I was serious about wanting to stay in Thailand for good, I realised that I was afraid once again... I was being the same old uncertain self... the unadaptable old me that I am...afraid to take risks, step out of my confort zone and take a plunge...with my kinda attitude, how can I ever hope to crave a niche for myself somewhere else or even in Singapore? I am just playing the part of a stubborn old cow. And i start to hate myself for being this way.

So i guess, for me now, the only challenge I have is to start changing myself. Break out of the inhibitions I have about my life. Start to dream big and make my dreams become reality. First of all, if I manage to get a place in ntu, I would have to overcome my first inhibition of being afraid of studying something else other than science, so I would need to appeal for sociology [which was what I wanted to try studying instead] as I had already applied for biological sciences [which again I applied for because I was afraid to step out of that familiar territory].

Next, I would have to prepare myself for the possibility that I may not get the place in uni, and start making plans to work [although I am really reluctant and think I am not matured enough to face the harsh working world]. Then I would have to make plans to set up the business that I had always dreamt of owning... and eventually build baby steps towards my goal, which was to be a rich person...Tsk tsk...that might sound real silly, considering I had already badmouthed myself about being so stuck-in-the-rut and unconforming, but I am determined to be rich some way or the other...even it means breaking some bones and having 180 degree transitions.

Then again, I guess before I can fulfill all these, the current attitude of mine needs some ...... changing.