Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost.
Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost.
What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?
What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind. - Barenaked Ladies, "Falling for the First Time"

Throughout my decades (ok, I exaggerated a lil') of pursuing my PhD in Couch-Potatology, I have studied modules such as Smallville, Heroes, Pushing Daisies, CSI, Prison Break, Lost, Grey's Anatomy, Nip Tuck, The Mentalist...(& the list continues). Mostly, I have not had the patience to finish my dissection on them before bidding my farewells and jumping ship to other more thought-provoking series. Thus, some of my friends wondered how I could remain loyal to a TV series such as Desperate Housewives for so many years (I know lots of dudes absolutely hate that series, what's the fun in watching a few conniving women in their 40s bitch-slapping others?). However, DH had kept me glued and 6 seasons on, I'm still faithfully downloading (opps) the series in HD on my laptop and lapping the drama that unfolds from each episode with zest.

My stubborn refusal to give up on the series finally paid off, as I was enlightened by the most recent episode titled "If...". In that episode, Susan, Bree, Gabrielle and Lynette pondered about the "what-ifs" in their lives and how their fates would have altered if they had steered in a different course. As I watched on, I find myself drifting onto the very same sentiment. What if I had taken another route in my life? How stupendous or stolid will it be? And what are the possible repercussions?... ... ... ... ... ...

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@ 4 years old:
a) Mum choose to leave Dad, bringing 3 of us up by herself without a roof over our heads. We learnt things in a hard way staying with our grandparents in a dingy 3-room flat with 6 more people, enduring years of abuse and hardship. All these years, Mum worked herself 7 days a week, from a bank executive to a co-owner of an antique shop, saving whatever she had and enduring our living conditions to put us through education. We moved out 4 years ago (my sisters had graduated and started working), and it was then that I finally got to sleep on a bed. I was 21 then, but it was great to lay on something thicker than 3 inches.

b) Mum choose not to leave Dad, enduring his male chauvinism and selfishness. Dad refuse to let mum work, and did not believe in the importance of educating daughters. We endured jeering from his crappy relatives and his income was insufficient to sustain us. My sisters and I came out to work without a university education, and we survived on however much we made. We all married early, just like our cousins from dad's side of the family.

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@ 14 years old:
a) A friend offered me a cigarette. Remembering how I was deliberately burnt by a cigarette butt when I was younger, I rejected it outright. Today at 25, I'm having great nails and teeth (I just removed my braces...nice smile!), and my skin is far from sallow.

b) A friend offered me a cigarette. "Just a puff won't kill.". I took it grudgingly though I hated the smell of smoke. I wanted to be cool and accepted. 1 stick became 2, then a pack. I became a chain smoker and my nails and teeth became yellow. My skin was also sallow and by the age of 25, I was diagnosed with TB.

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@ 16 years old:
a) 13 points for my "O" levels. I applied for JC instead of the intended polytechnic. I was never a fan of uniforms, rules and regulations. Regretted the moment I stepped into the school with a uniform colour which resembled poo in the toilet bowl.

b) 13 points for my "O" levels. Good enough for JC, but I stuck to my guns and went ahead for mass comms in Poly. Enjoyed my course throughly, though I did not manage to get into university from there.

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@ 18 years old:
a) JC wasn't a bed of roses and my grades leaves much to be desired. Lost, I applied for Biotechnology in Singapore Poly. Had a smooth-sailing 3 years and my grades were good enough for university. It took a hard fall, but I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

b) JC wasn't a bed of roses and my grades leaves much to be desired. Applied for hairstylist course. Discovered that I might not have possessed the talent for hair-styling and hated not having my weekends off. Long hours of standing and contact with chemicals also gave me fatigue and dry skin. However, small victories came from the smiles endowed by my customers for jobs well done.

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@ 22 years old:
a) Was sick of my weight and esteem issues. Decided to exercise to lose weight (though I hated to run). Didn't like my fierce-looking slitty eyes and my gappy teeth so I got double-eyelids and braces done. My savings were wiped out but I gained so much more confidence. 2 years on, I'm still working on, and enjoying exercise. I have walked out of the shadow of doubt casted by him. Currently having a ball of my time trying to accomplish things I want out of MY life.

b) Was sick of my weight and esteem issues. Continued to wallow in self-pity and doubt. Was lazy and didn't motivate myself to exercise. I blamed the world and binged on food, feeling unattractive and never walking out of the shadow of doubt. Continued to tip the scales at 80kgs (or more).

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@ 23 years old:
a) Applied for Instep exchange program. Mum reminded me that I might not be able to go due to insufficient funds. Saw an email in my school's webmail for a 4000 Euro scholarship award by the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and submitted an essay. Didn't think much after the submission and received a call one month later about the success of application. Packed my bags for Sweden on 14th Jan 09 and subsequently had the best 6 months of my life in Lund and backpacking around Europe.

b) Applied for Instep exchange program. Mum reminded me that I might not be able to go due to insufficient funds. Overlooked the webmail from Ministry of Foreign Affairs. The application to New York was successful, but my financial state of affairs was not promising. I gave up on the exchange and spent the semester in school. My plans to backpack in Europe before I hit 30 was put on hold yet again.

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@ 25 years old:
???) Anticipating graduation. The world is an oyster! Waiting for paths a, b, c, d, e, f, g... ... ... ... to unravel!!!



Sliding Doors...meaningful movie I watched aeons ago that drives home my point


Funny isn't it, that life presents to you not just one path but several directions? Why should one need to make choices? What if you preferred a path more clear-cut and less fraught by confusion? I can't tell you why as I always question the One above on why some things do or do not turn out the way I desire them to. But I guess it is all part and parcel of life, and God's way of making the mundane life of us, Homo sapiens, a tad more fascinating. With choices, we hold in our hands the power to change our destinies and in some instances, the ability to make or break things. Looking back, I am thankful for having the power to choose from several paths, I learnt from countless mistakes and celebrated countless victories. I had experienced the elements of sour, sweet, bitter and spicy due to the presence of the "what-ifs" and my life is all the better because of it. :)