"We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude." - Charles R. Swindoll

I'm inclined to think that sometimes being trapped in the past is not a bad thing after all...the prospect of aging, moving on to new things, giving up the things I currently have etc., can oft times feel rather poignant and revolting (especially the aging part). I'm used to not giving a fuck about anything, thus the fact that I'm graduating soon doesn't seem welcoming somehow.

Anyhows, been listening to a lot of pre-millenium songs recently; some really old school retro-funk (the likes of Bananarama, Debbie Gibson, Abba, Belinda Carlisle, KC and the sunshine band, Carpenters) and those from the 90's as well, also tuning in to power 98 in the late nights when they play some good old music instead of all those pop shite (rihanna just irritate the hell outta me though it's good for clubbing) & during one of those nights, the radio was playing some old songs which I really loved. I immediately dl-ed them and as it had always been a habit of mine, I also did a lyrics and wiki search. Least to say they were songs from the pre-millenium. Everyone should listen to them ---> "Sunny came home", 1996 by Shawn Colvin (love the guitar bridge part), "Runaway train", 1993 by Soul Asylum (Check out the music video on youtube), "Lullaby", 1998 by Shawn Mullins (love, love, love alternative music)...and listening to all these music sets me thinking again...

Do you ever ask yourself, what would it be like if you can go back to the past and live life all over again? What would you had done differently? What are some of the things you would want to change? What are some of the words you have spoken and want to take back? What are some of the relationships you want to salvage/wished they've never happened? Would you have wanted some regrets to not be regrets; would you rather let these regrets remain regrets so as to remember lessons well-learnt? Would you have choosen to relive and rewind some moments; would you have fast-forwarded some?

I, for one, wished I could change fragments of my history. I hope to turn back the specific moments I've had and erase them all. Somehow I don't know why although I am the epitome of impatience, I allow myself to dwell about ... for 10 dreadfully long years...and these years made me feel ancient, old, jaded. To the point that I feel impressed by my patience to commit to these thoughts and never breaking out from them. However, I have ... to thank cos if there is one good thing that came out from this, it is that I realised the importance of exercise and healthy living. I somehow managed to step out of my LSE issues and began to move my lazy arse, & I attribute 60% credit to ... Funny how recently I met someone that reminds me wee bit of ... so wrong, yet quite right. Perhaps I am looking for a glimpse/shadow of ... in ..., yet I refuse this time around to be the victim of this circumstance. Some people hate being a doormat, punching bag; yet they always go back to being one because it feels familiar. I was toying and struggling very hard with this thought, fighting off some invisible force. Then again, I thought about what is in it for me... It seems that nothing good will come out of it, so I snapped out of all of these. As I am closing into my goals and slowly attaining my targets, I am feeling more confident that I can eventually leave certain things behind. I am also becoming more selfish in the sense that in many things, I'm only thinking about my own benefit. Why should my life be built around managing other's expectations and not my own? I am equally entitled to have people who will take all my shite; accept my good as good and bad as good; give me their time of the day; leave me alone when I want to; and love me for who I am/what I am evolving to be.

Have you ever experienced something close to that? Have you ever felt that something/one was holding you back? Do you lack the courage to move on however much you want to?
I can't and do not have the power to steer you in the right direction because I am too, still learning. But what I can say is that we only have 1 life and we are living this life for nobody but ourselves, so although we feel we can have the capacity to love someone much more than ourselves, we should try our best to love ourselves more.

Yes, it might be comforting to dwell in the shadow of your past/memories; but it is more comforting to know that you have the courage to create a new present. :)