In each of us, this venom is always ready to germinate in secret,to permeate the organism, darken the sun, change true to false and false to true, an hour into eternity; and to turn all our thoughts into the fuel of a somber fire, consuming indiscriminately our flesh,or reason, talents, and instincts, and sometimes even that self-love which is all-powerful in man." - Paul Valery
Last weekend, I finally decided that the hygiene condition of my rented apartment was getting out of hand & got down to some major spring-cleaning. As the Chinese saying goes "jiu de bu qu, xin de bu lai" (meaning, if the old stuff doesn't go, the new stuff won't come in), after major vacuuming & mopping, I decided to clear out some space in my bookshelf so that I can be more prepared for the commencement of my new school term. That was when I started to sieve through various textbooks and notes & came across an old diary from 8 years back (I was 14 then). Feeling nostalgic, I started flipping through and reading some pages of it. There were some fairly long entries, and some really short ones. Most entries were about negative stuffs, like the teenage angst I felt at that time, unrequited love towards a certain someone (K) and basically just how the how world was unfair to me at that point of time. The short entries were few and far between and all of them were about the happy thoughts I felt. It then dawned on me that 8 years ago and even until now, I was almost always dissatisfied with life! Even when I was happy, I can't remember much about the happy events and that explains why my happy entries were so short and sweet. This was when I remembered many people telling me that sadness is a stronger emotion than happiness, thus a person would feel the impacts of sad emotions more so than happy ones.
As always, wanting to satisfy the philosophical part of myself, I embarked on a discussion with Mav. As we are sisters who share the room and talk a lot, I think somewhere in certain conversations we made, I ever told her that everyone has a little closet masochistic behavior in them. It's like a condition that is innate in almost, if not, every single homo sapien. We simply like to torture ourselves by blocking or refusing to indulge in happy thoughts and welcoming negative thinking/feelings with open arms. Thus, after I asked Mav why people couldn't have happy thoughts all the time & think positive of every situation, she replied me with "It is because we are all somehow closet masochists!" She went on to tell me that although every human being, at one point or another, is conscious that he/she is not in the worst situation, he/she would also like to think of himself/herself as being a victim and thus, a vicious cycle repeats; It being, "I am sad now (current mood); But there is gonna be someone in a worst situation as me (positive justification somewhat) ; But how can something like that happen to me and not anyone else I know of? (Inner demons at work) ; Since no one I know experience something like that, and that I can't imagine (or innately refuse to accept) anyone could be in this situation, I must be the one in the saddest state & I shall continue to wallow in self-pity (negative justification somewhat).
Thus, one can see why in many ways, people are all a little masochistic. When you weigh 55kg, you ask yourself why you do not weigh 45. When you are 1.58 m tall, you wonder why you are not 2cm taller (1.6m would be nice! You echoed). When you get a B+ for a tough exam paper you studied hard for, you wonder why you didn't scrape past the A- grade. When others get a promotion and you just get a bonus, you wonder why you get passed over for promotion. Why can't people think about it in this way?: Yes, I am 55 kg, I do have some meat, but at least I am healthier than the poor kids suffering in Africa with malnutrition! Yes, I am only 1.58m tall, but at least I can walk tall by myself without any aid! Yes, I got a B+ for a tough paper I studied hard for, but at least I didn't wind up failing it like some of my classmates did! Yes, I didn't get a promotion & all I got was a damn bonus like every year, but at least I am not being sacked/retrenched and so I still have a chance to prove myself next time!
Is it always easier to place ourselves in worst case scenarios? Do people always have to doubt, think a lot and then mentally torture themselves? As a closet masochist myself, I realize that in every good thing that had happened today, I will telling myself that I won't feel like that everyday, and that in fact, something unpleasant might just happen tomorrow! Also, I have to say that nothing related to the word "relationship" ever runs smooth for me. Scarred by more than just one bad experience with someone (K) whom I really liked, I found myself reeling from the hurt until now. I question myself every now & then...Am I not good enough? Why did he lead me on? What is wrong with me? The issue of self-esteem sets in and I start feeling small... Lonely even. & it didn't help that he disappeared from my life suddenly & a few months later, I saw him in the theatre with a new girlfriend. I understand that we may not have anything going on or confirmed between us, but the harm was done alright. He may never understand why his sudden disappearance had left such a deep impact on me, so he will never find a need to apologize or explain. Me, on the other hand, would have to live with random moody days where I start thinking too much & then questioning myself again. Now, I can safely say that I have now moved on with the advice & help from Mavis & my few best friends, but who could blame me when I still secretly wished that he would contact me again? Even before his birthday approaches in a few weeks time, I've been asking SY (my best friend) if I should send him a birthday message in the hopes that he would ask me out again. I find myself being silly again, so I think & think. I get moody. I talk to my friends over coffee. I bitch about him. I tell jokes so that I can have an excuse to laugh. SY & Mav would say that I am too good for him. I would agree with them. I would bitch some more about him. Throw in some beautifully peppered verbal abuse. Rant a bit. Forget about him for a while. Then a few peaceful days or weeks would prevail until a random moody day appears again. Sometimes, I wonder why. It's not like I do not have targets or aims, but why is he always in the shadows? Or rather, instead of K, why is Mr Closet Masochist always rearing his ugly head in my life every other random moment??!! I came to the revelation that it is not K hiding in the shadows, but my very own closet masochism at work. *sighz* It hurts that I am not in control of Mr CM as of yet :(
Is it really easier for human beings to torture themselves with thoughts of unhappiness? Perhaps we should all slow down and admit that we are closet masochists. Then in this way, when we are having negative thoughts, we can justify it by saying "I am a closet masochist what! So just let me indulge in such thoughts for a while... I will move on after that!" It could actually be easier than denying ourselves of such thoughts and in turn, displaying double the masochistic tendencies, right? :)
