"Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were." - Cherie Carter-Scott

Ever heard of the sayings "Forgiven, not forgotten" , "Let the bygones be bygones" and "Forgive & forget"? These are the phases often associated with forgiveness. I'm sure that in everyone's life, there comes a point where we experience anger or held a grudge against someone. However, such feelings of wrath (per incident per se), in time, would fade & we would learn to just forget about the incident/person. However, when it comes to forgiving others, how open-hearted are we? Would we choose to forgive AND forget OR forgive but NEVER forget? Personally, I feel that forgiveness is like a double-edged sword. When we say forgive, we automatically assume or convince ourselves that we could forget. But many a time, we never really forgot those incidents before! (Unless we suffer from amnesia of cause!). So when we still have the imprint of past anger etched so deeply at the corner of our minds, how can we say that we have truly forgiven?

Then again, we are not like the all-omniscient God and are but flesh & blood. So, that saying, it is not wrong that we can only forgive and not forget sometimes; and we should by all means, not feel that we are small just because we fail to do both. Achieving forgiveness towards someone or something that had acutely affected us without totally forgetting it is already an achievement by itself. We should not be too hard on ourselves by further forcing on the fact that we can do both & then detest ourselves when we fail to do so.

Just last week, I got the opportunity to see for myself how forgiveness makes someone bigger than who they are... 3 years ago, my aunt Joanna had a divorce because her husband had an affair (he had fell in love with this woman attending the same church & nursing school as him --->[aunt was a free-thinker]; and things got so bad, his friends had to warn my aunt about the impending danger). As my mother was the closest sister to Joanna, we naturally got to witness the repercussion of her failed marriage. During the early stages of the marriage meltdown, she was in a total wreck, getting drunk and venting her anger on her children. Aunt Debbs brought her to church & people counseled her. Matters were made worse when she lost custody of her children cause she's still single and he was marrying the 3rd party. The court considered him as being more able to care for his kids because he was going to have a wife and was already earning more than my aunt. During that tough period, she battled tears, binge, hatred, booze and depression. I remembered once, around 2 years back, after the divorce was announced, I saw Jeff & his new wife at a Thai restaurant and I was hell bent on making him awkward. So i just darted dagger stares his way. Funnily though, mum never once tried to stop me. Can't help but think that mum kinda approved of this action at that circumstance.

Nevertheless, time heals all wounds and just last week, my cousin Josh told me that his mum (aunt Joanne) was meeting Jeffery and their step-mum for a meal with both him and his sister, Joelle! Genuinely surprised, I questioned the agenda of this warped meeting but Josh boy was equally clueless. Josh added that since a long time back, whenever his mum send them back after an outing, she would wave goodbye and smile to the step-mum who has come to pick them up from downstairs. After talking to Josh boy, I started wondering how the heck was it possible to forgive someone who had blatantly came between her marriage?? (although Jeff had equal fault). I mean, to the point of smiling, waving and having dinner!!?? I start wondering if a saint had possessed aunt Joanna. Generally speaking, how many people would just forgive something such as betrayal so fast? I find that it could be possible for my case to forgive something like that, but in 2-3 years? Perhaps I'm too used to the lack of verbal and physical contact between my parents for the last 17 years that I think other divorced people would just fall into the same routine of never wanting to see or speak to each other again. (and my parents didn't even split due to any other party involed ---> it was character differences). I suddenly had newfound respect and pride for my auntie for showing that she emerged the stronger woman. Wanting to emulate aunt Joanna, (even when i knew i wasn't the direct person involved), I paid a visit to Josh boy's house last saturday to play with his dog. I knew their step-mum was at home but I wasn't deterred. I wanted to see if I still felt like staring the daggers I stared 2+ years back...however, I find myself chatting with her easily. Perhaps, aunt Joanna had made me see some sense. After the visit, my eyes were opened and I left their place feeling proud of my aunt. By choosing to forgive, she enabled her kids to receive love from 3 ends and in turn, inspired my cousins and others alike, that forgiveness is a virtue people should aim to possess.

So now, even as I understand that aunt Joanna would never forget what took place, I have to agree that she was indeed bigger than what I thought her to be. :)

P.S: Thanks to my colleague, P, who so readily entertained and gave me her views in contribution of this blog :p