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Back from hiatus, again!
5:38 PM - Monday, November 28, 2011
"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." - Elizabeth Stone
365 days. This is how long I have not logged in to write. Perhaps corporate life had sucked my enthusiasm dry, perhaps I have just morphed into an abhorrent sloth, whatever that is.
Anyhow, have been wanting to muse about mistakes and regrets for the longest time but never really gotten around to it. However, it seems that today is not THE day. I had a different epiphany whlist reading my daily online news, thus I guess I'm better off exerting my penmanship on this topic.
The subject of parenting had always struck a raw nerve as I grew up never really knowing my dad. Research shows that the earliest human memories date back to 4 years of age, and anything prior would not be stored in your memory bank (like how was your 1st cry or when you took your 1st steps). Perhaps the last time my dad ever held me was 3 years of age. After that, life is just a myriad of bluriness living as nomads at my grandparents' place with sparse visits from my dad. Funnily though, I always felt that mum was adequate & realised now that I am indeed blessed. It may not be a perfect childhood but I'm more fortunate than many. Besides, 1 should always count their blessings, everyday waking up breathing means a new day to bring forth changes & collect fresh experiences. An awe-inspiring thought eh?
So, what are the elements of good parenting and does parenting styles have cross-culture variations? Today morning, I read a news on how a 33 year old French father threw his 3 year old son naked into a washing machine and turned it on to "punish" him for misbehaving in school. The mum was at home but made no attempt to stop her husband from disciplining their child. Verdict: Son dies from a huge blow to his head when it knocked against the spinning machine. By the time the mother carried her cold, naked child to her neighbour's for aid, her son had already stopped breathing. What's even more atrocious was that the father had the audacity to insist that his son fell from the stairs. What's the world coming to??!! A 3 year old helpless boy & a 33 year old full-grown adult, well, did the father really need to do that? The boy isn't even given a chance to grow and maximise his full potential! There's still a whole beautiful life ahead of him, playing sports; going through the awkward stage of puberty; dating girls; earning his own keep; marrying and some day being a father himself! A young life robbed by an impulsive, cruel act committed by Daddy Dearest. Words can barely describe the amount of sadness & anger I felt! :(
A nagging memory also brought me back last year, where I had this parenting discussion with my Caucasian friend. She had deemed Asian parenting styles as warpped and teetering to violent. Asians adopt the "spare the rod, spoil the child" mentality when it comes to raising kids. My mum used to whack me with a cane whenever I did something wrong so whenever I'm tempted to commit mischief, I will associate pain with the repercussion of misconduct and promptly stop in my tracks. My friend found it really appalling that a child should be brought up being whipped albeit when the occassion calls for it. She mentioned that if she ever saw me beating my kid next time, she would report me to the authorities. Strange considering she saw how perfectly healthy and well-structured I am despite being a child subjected to Asian parenting. I then asked her how should one raise their kid under such a situation of mischief. She told me "You must always rationalise with your child, explain that his/her actions are wrong , no matter how old the child is". I was like "eh, what if your child was below 5 when the brain had not synapsed enough for them to understand the ways of the world in a comprehensive sense?" (I'm being very neurobiology here, pardon the Biology student). She told me it does not matter and it is more important to explain and calm a child down and that the Asians got it very wrong. I very nearly scoffed. Do they all think Asians are cane-wielding freaks? I do appreciate what she defines as the Caucasian parenting style of never raising your hand on your child, but how does one rationalise with a 3 year old? Yes, I think an ideal solution will be to calmly talk things out with your child, but before their formative years are up, there's is no possible way their impressionable minds can process verbal reason. It is only through physical association will they learn. By this I don't mean one can go trigger-happy when a child does something wrong, but rather, a small spank on the hand to teach them not to steal or bully a fellow nursery mate can do the job. I have once seen a mum "rationalising" with her toddler on how she will not be buying him a toy and all he did was to refuse to move, sit on the floor and started brawling loudly. A similar scenario happened with a mum who gave a small spank to her child's butt and a stern warning, and within seconds, the kid stopped his nonsense.
I don't mean to compare what is good or bad about cross-culture parenting styles...but I think if both styles can be adopted and fused to an improved version, what's so bad? Besides, from the incident of the French father, I don't think there is really Caucasian or Asian paretning styles, it really boils down to individual styles. It is better to consistently keep tempers or angers in check and deal with them occassionally than bottle it all up and release it one violent impulse. They don't call it irreversible damage for nothing.
With this, I urge all parents to appreciate the fate and destiny they share with their kids. No kids wish to be born, their parents always choose to have them. Since you hold the choice, why not choose or nurture a lovely being into someone who will one day raise another lovely being? Don't let a moment's impulse ruin what can be good, and don't ever think you have the parenting thing down-pat, cos as Frank Pittman said "...The end product of child raising is not the child but the parent."
Adults have more to learn from their children than the vice verse.
