"Everything I've ever done was out of fear of being mediocre." - Chet Atkins

Earlier this year, I was a bit fearful as I left sunny island in pursuit for a chance to explore more of the world and rediscover myself. A decision I stubbornly made knowing that my financial state of affairs may not see me through as well as I hoped. Perhaps God was a little kind to me, I wrote an essay to some government body and got myself some alleviation. Thus was able to fulfill my dreams of leaving my jaded self behind, see a lot more of the world and seek for a fresh/er perspective.

Fast forward 9 months to now. Sitting in my bedroom with my new wireless connection feeling the same old familiar setting kick in. Life was not exactly changing for me, not as much as I expected or hoped for. I once read a magazine not too long ago, and a quote screamed out to me: "If you want your life to change, you have to leave your house and your internet connection behind". A little too optimistic was I, to think that a mere 6 months will change me in mind-blowing proportions? Growing up had its fair shares of ups and downs. My life was not exactly made up of materials that would make for good soap operas, but neither was it a bed of roses comfortable enough for me to lie in. In short, I live a life many others could describe as being "average". It's however true that my rebellious spirit had led me to fight for certain things that would not be possible, but it is also true that oft times I get so jaded, my fighting spirit dwindles and I lose sight of my dreams and visions.

That's my biggest fear. Losing myself. The rebel within me to keep fighting for my cause, dream, and everything I wanted to do before I leave this world. This poignant thought stroked me really hard on Sunday after watching "UP" and I was suddenly fearful that I will leave this world not being able to accomplish what I had set out to do. I'm worried that if I stop reminding myself, I would get sucked into a world whereby I would just trudge along life aimlessly; earning money, investing in material goods which will provide me with momentarily happiness, forgetting to cut myself loose and dance: or in short, resigning to a life of normalcy. I fear that my life will not change for me any further, I fear to be "a face in the crowd". I despise weakness and I despise the crowd. I hate needing to "fit in". This kinda life bores the fuck outta me. What more with a happy chapter of the first half of the year closed behind me, I felt the transient spark of life injected into me fizzle faster than you can hear "pop". Thus, I never want to forget. I wanna prance along a joy-filled life everyday. Therefore, I must make conscious efforts to remind myself to repel a life in which I will lose myself.

Reminder 1: 27- to get the hell out for a while to educate myself more after earning some keep. 2: 29/30- To do a road trip in States with 2 other reliable drivers/friends in tow. 3: 32 - Start exploring South America. 4: 28 to death - Living a life outside sunny island. Somewhere I can finally relax have no qualms being myself. Somewhere which the lack of materialism will have no hold over me. 5: Forever starting from now - to complete leaving footprints on almost every part of the world (with the exception of very hot countries and the ME...I hate extended periods of sun-baking and walking amongst people that will make me recoil, especially after my few brushes in Sverige with people their kind...). To be able to fulfill these...only then will I consider myself to have a life well-lived.

There, I faced it...my greatest fear is the fear of losing myself. What's your fear???