Love has all the lasting permanence of a rainbow: beautiful while it is there, and just as likely to have disappeared by the time you blink - From the book: "My Sister's Keeper" by Jodi Picoult

Recently, my life is a myriad of blurriness. The new year had just began and everything ought to change, yet everything seems the same, well, at least to me. Waiting for my exchange to happen, waking up after 1pm on most days, lying on my bed surrounded by books, & then going out for 6km jogs in the stadium or otherwise after the sun sets. I'm reading 2 books concurrently now, that explains why books are sharing my bed space: I wake, look at my yet empty luggage in the room, turn over, grab one of the unfinished books beside my pillow and read, totally ignoring the need to pack. In fact one of the books inspired my blog title and blog quote for today... & this topic is related to one of my new year resolutions. I use to muse a lot about the importance of having new year resolutions, planning them meticulously. After all, having them leads you to a clearer direction for the first few months (okay, maybe weeks...) of the year before you spiral back to the same monotonous routine that is your life. I looked at the resolutions I've had last year, there were at least 10, but I've only but fulfilled 2? Thus this year I wasn't as enthusiastic, but, for the kicks of it, I'll still have them. So this year I have 2 resolutions (the lesser the more likely I could fulfill them, I figured)

J told me yesterday via online facebook messaging yesterday that a girl made a love confession to him whilst he was drunk, & he had rejected her outright, making her cry. He then told me "love like you've never loved before" after I told him some crapshit about the possibility of falling in love with random strangers you've just met or known for a very short time indeed. The realist in me argued that it was sheer insanity to believe in the notion that you can just fall in love with a person which you might have just met, but the idealist in me spoke in a small, yet coherent voice that it was not entirely ludicrous, and that one is never too old to be careless in love (or too old to need to be careful). It happens a lot in movies, and one can dream. Right? On a different msn window, I was conversing with Perc and telling him to hook my sis up with his bro, so my sis won't be lonely when I leave Sg for 6mths. He then said "you not lonely meh?"...which to that I replied "I'm used to being lonely (afterall I've never been attached, I'm not sure if it's my choice though, my life just passed in a blur without this ever happening), but my sis is different" but an afterthought - can anyone ever be used to being lonely? This is the very afterthought which created more rubbish in the rubbish bin that is my head (too many random thoughts in it at any one time...garbage in, garbage out). I was then forced to confront a scary thought: Am I finally confessing that I am lonely now?

A few years ago, when I was younger, more naive and less jaded, I was filled with optimism about love and sometimes more than I cared to admit, this optimism in me had slowly but surely faded; fragile & ever so vulnerable. It all but took a single unsavory episode to shatter my positivity, but not all of these came out negative because for a few years after that, I was impenetrable...at least I could only feel lonely, but never that sad again about anyone. But a few months back, I've decided to just be a lil' more brave and put myself on the pedestrial again. Verdict so far: no interesting candidates - either I don't like people easily or that I'm just holding out for someone who gets me. I'm not going to just run out there just cos I'm approaching 25 & bored; carrying a signboard which says "Single & available! Any Tom, Dick, or Harry need apply!"...it's a contradiction since I just lamented that I was getting lonely. Is it too much to ask; for quality to come hand in hand with companionship? It's like 2 people participating in a race: 1) My hopefulness (in finding someone worthy, as quoted from Twilight, which I can fall unconditionally and irrevocably in love with) and 2) my loneliness (which I'm afraid will swallow me up whole and blur me into being unable to differentiate the earlier category and cads)...and I wonder, whose gonna win eventually?

Despite all, Carpe diem! I want to be a tad more hopeful this year. I'm gonna try J's advice, to try to find someone worthy to love and then love like I've never loved before. I wanna put my passiveness to sleep and awaken the passion which is surely there in me, but being dormant and evasive so far. Perhaps this year I can rebulid the pieces of my shattered optimism. That is Resolution 1: To find someone worthy of my love, & then love like never before.

As for my other resolution? As per previous year - Lose 10kg! :p